the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
