I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
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