just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
