I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
