So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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