I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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