Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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