No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You made out with two different species that night
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
