Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
