Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
