I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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