I feel like I'm in dance class right now
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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