he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
