they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
