Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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