I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
