Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just pee around me
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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