Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize