If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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