Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
