1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
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