I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
