I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize