Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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