Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
