Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
