Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
