Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
BRING THE BAGELS
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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