im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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