I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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