i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize