you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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