seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
