so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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