I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
