Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
