Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
