He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
i've created a new STD.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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