When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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