When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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