I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just gargled with NyQuil
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
