we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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