i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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