You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Send help, water and tortillas.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
