You just made me feel so damn special
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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