Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize