i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
only if we run a train.
done.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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