Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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