I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
