i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
