I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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