Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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