Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
