What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
