haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
it was like eating out sand paper
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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