I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
