Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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