Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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