Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
